I have run all summer. I think somewhere down deep inside I've been running from this past year. I'm trying to put it all behind me, pretend that it never really happened. Get back to being me, BC. Don prefers to think that we are trying to get as many experiences in as possible, in case (God forbid) it comes back.
I still haven't started volunteering at the cancer center. I have my official pink shirt, and badge hanging in the closet waiting to go, but I just can't seem to do it. It's like the scars of what I've been through are still too new. I really want to help there, and I will, just not quite yet.
How long does it take to get back to normal? Physically, I'm good. I had a colonoscopy this past week. The surgeon removed 3 more polyps. That's good news, we stopped them early. I had CT scans, and they were clear. I'm still considered NED. So, what's the problem? This is where it gets sticky.
It seems like every time I turn around I hear of another cancer tragedy. Tony Snow, Leroy Sievers, the list goes on and on. But what really bothers me is the number of young people who are being hit. I don't understand, and I can't come to grips with it.
I want my old life back. I no longer want to be defined by cancer. I just want to be Annaleisa, and I know in my heart that isn't possible. This disease has changed me, and I'm still fighting it.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Now what?
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4 comments:
Be easy on yourself Annaleisa.
You have encouraged so many people by just being you throughout all of this ordeal. I don't think your feelings are in anyway unusual. Everyone has to do it their way. ( I sound like Sinatra!) Love you just as you are,
Kathy Spann
I agree with Kathy. I appreciate more than you'll ever know your sharing your trials and tribulations with us. I am going to talk with Debbie Johnson's students tomorrow about her losing Hillary, and I've been reading about the stages of loss this weekend and anything else I can find to help me find the way to do it. So, do it your way, and give yourself time to deal with it and to heal from all that has happened the past year. You've done a great job so far. Things you have written and said have impressed me and made me look at my life differently, too. You make a difference in many lives.
Love, Mary Gail
Oops! Sorry about hitting the submit button twice. I don't usually do that anymore. I hope you can take it out.
MG
Dear Annalisa, That is fear, it seems to creep in, where ever there is the smallest of openings, and the one who is behind fear, is Satan..He spreads doubt and fear, like a virus in day care...Don't let him get to you..God will give you what you need to fight him off..He wants you to fret to wonder, to doubt, that is how he works..Don't let him win this..Stand up and shout at him, throw something at him..I just came from the funeral home, I was sitting outside earlier praying and asking God why someone so young,so loved,and so much to give to this ugly world had to suffer so much, and why her sweet Mother and Daddy had to watch her waste away, there is a purpose, I just can't get a handle on it. But I asked God to help me with that,and comfort those folks, who lost a gift, He had given them..I have no answers except,that I hope someday, I can be the kind of person, that can go through something like you did,and come out of it, as well as you have,you gave hope and courage to others,never doubt that.God be with you and keep you safe, go , do, be, and kick Satan in the rear..Don't waste a minute even if you live to be 100..it will not be enough, but Ah, we have the whole eternity to find the answer...Love you, as you are, Mary Anne
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